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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The DNC Drinking Game

This is funny. This would be even funnier if a: I had seen it before the convention started; and b: I drank like a fish. (edited for language content-B)
Want to watch the Democratic National Convention, but afraid it'll distract from your alcoholism? The DNC Drinking Game can help. Pour yourself a cocktail (or a latte) and prepare to get drunk on booze and hope.

Take a drink every time Obama reminds you of JFK, but only because your knowledge of historical figures is limited.

Take a drink every time the Republicans are blamed for high gas prices, the weak economy, or America's loss in Olympic softball.

Take a drink every time TV commentators say the words "punditry," "blogosphere," or "Obamania."

Take a drink if you've heard of Senators Jeff Bingaman, Maria Cantwell, Dean Burgess, or Amy Klobuchar. Take another if you knew that there is no Dean Burgess in the Senate.

Take a drink every time Obama stands in the light in such a way as to make you believe his skin color is a mix of red, white and blue.

Take a drink every time Evan Bayh says, "I didn't want v.p. anyway ... Postmaster General's where the real power's at."

Take a drink if either Iraq or the environment are described as a "sh*tstorm."

Take a drink if anyone you're watching with describes Bill Richardson as "the smoking hot governor of New Sex-ico."

Take a drink for every state delegation that makes a point of showing off what state they are (Hawaiians wearing leis, Texans wearing cowboy hats, Utahans practicing polygamy, etc.)

Take a drink every time your parents give you an excuse for why they don't like Obama that can be translated as "I'm racist."

Take a drink every time Obama says something so amazing that you don't even care about your kids not having health insurance.

Take a drink if you see Jesse Jackson trying to get a peek at the convention through an air conditioning vent.

Take a drink if--when--the crowd screams for a Harry Reid encore.

Take a drink every time Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper humiliates a Republican...also known as "getting Hickenloopered."

Take a drink every time Hillary says something bad about Obama in the secret code language that all white people know.

Take a drink every time a Democrat follows up the Pledge of Allegiance with a chuckle and a "Just kidding."

Take a drink every time John Edwards shouts into a megaphone outside the Pepsi Center that he only had sex with Rielle Hunter when his wife's cancer was in remission.

Take a drink of champagne when you're filled with excitement as you realize, "Oh my god, this can really happen. A black man named Barack Obama might be elected president."

Take a shot of whiskey when that feeling is swiftly followed by dread as you think, "There's no way this is gonna happen." (Republicans feel free to swap the beverages in the last two rules. -B)

Take a drink every time during Obama's speech when all other sounds fall away, and you feel as though an electric current is coursing through your veins, and for one all-too-brief moment, there are no problems, no distractions, nothing at all. Just Barack.

Take a drink every time Kathleen Sebelius says something that is flat-out funny.

In honor of Ted Kennedy, take a million drinks.

Take a long, emotional swig of gin every time Hillary does.

Take a drink every time Obama solves race in America.
Run to the liquor store... or Starbucks... load up on libations (in honor of the setting for Obama's speech and all that), and prepare for the next 2 nights of fun and frivolity. Y'all will wind up drunk as a skunk after the 4th or 5th rule, or you'll be so jacked up on caffeine and sugar from the latte that you won't sleep until sometime after the general election.

Bottom's up!

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