Yeah, Right, Whatever

And we wonder why they say English is the most difficult language to learn. (from Strange Cosmos):

a.. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

b.. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

c.. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

d.. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

e.. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris must be in Seine

f.. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

g.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes!

h.. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

i.. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

j.. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

k. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

l.. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

m.. Definition of a will: A dead give away.

n.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

o.. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

p. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

q.. If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.

r.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

s.. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

t.. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

u.. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

v.. Every calendar's days are numbered.

w.. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

X.. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

y.. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Z.. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

ok... so my dad's complaining that I never write anymore (evidently talking to me on the phone almost every day isn't enough for him). I tried to explain to him that politics is boring right now (unless I want to remind the Latino population of Utah that if you think Fox es su presidente, vayan a casa; or laugh at Gore and his carbon footprint- can you say BIG FOOT?!?!) Besides that, not much is going on around here... T2 sprained his ankle, and he managed to get a nasty sunburn at Schlitterbahn. I sprained my thumb. The boys' last day of school for the year is Friday. My sister graduated from college. We're getting ready to go to IL for her party.

There... that's it... I promise I'll post more... really... no, don't laugh...

I got this from Strange Cosmos. I know some of you will know what these things mean:

General Truths & Rules about Golf:

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.

Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .....for an 8.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to layup just short of a water hazard.


A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered"

My mom sent this to me... makes sense.

One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

Then God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Breaking a glass will probably not get you into trouble. Lying about knowing that your brother broke a glass (that you helped him clean up) will probably get you into trouble... especially if your brother isn't quite in on the lie...

... just sayin'...

Michael Lueking has a good reason for standing tall and proud- he recently completed USMC boot camp, and tonight is his high school graduation. Life is good... mostly.

He wants to wear his dress blues to the graduation ceremony, but the school told him that he would have to wear the traditional cap and gown if he wants to walk across the stage to receive his diploma.

Am I the only one who thinks he should wear the cap and gown? I know he's proud of that uniform, and he should be. But I thought that the Marines taught recruits about discipline and order and adherence to rules and authority. This isn't about patriotism or a lack thereof. It's about the rules and whether or not exceptions should be made.

If it is school policy that graduates wear caps and gowns, then so be it.

There is a young womanin Scotland who is getting ready to give birth to her first child. She is hoping for a boy, and she can't wait to take him (or her) swimming and for walks. Sounds... normal, right? Sweet. Endearing.

Well, yeah... except that the girl in question is twelve.

A girl is to become Britain's youngest mother after becoming pregnant at 11.

...She conceived aged 11 when she lost her virginity to a boy of 15 on a drunken night out with friends.

The 15-year-old has since been charged with rape by police, and is due to appear again at Edinburgh sheriff court on July 10. Her 34-year-old mother, who gave birth to her youngest child eight months ago, said she was 'proud' of her daughter.

She will be 12 years and 8 months when she has the child next month. Jenny Teague, Britain's youngest mother until now, was a month older when she gave birth in 1997.

When you read the article, you find out some other... interesting tidbits... Like she began smoking at age 9, and drinking at age 10. She smokes 20 cigarettes a day, and she's been suspended from school for fighting. I guess this was the next logical step, right?

Like I said, she's excited about the birth of her baby. She thinks she's ready because she's watched her younger siblings. She knows how to give a baby a bottle and change a diaper. She gets panicky and cries when she thinks about the baby getting sick, though... and she doesn't like giving babies baths. Oh, yeah... she's ready.

Her mom is proud of her for keeping the baby- saying that she can hold her head high. While I am eternally grateful that this child did not abort her baby (which was recommended by a social worker), I cannot help but think that the baby might be better off in a different, more stable home. I mean, if this girl's mother couldn't control what her kids do (or did it not bother her that her child chain smokes and drinks???), then I can't imagine that her 12 year old will do much different.

While this 3-part audio slide show isn't for the faint of heart (or the weak of stomach), it shows how much honor and praise are owed to the doctors, nurses and corpsmen who fight day in and day out to save the lives of the men and women fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. There aren't enough words to say thank you for what they do.

There are a few humorous comments in the audio (including one interesting way of explaining what "10" can be described as on a pain scale), but here is one that just struck me as funny, only because the guy who said it was injured but would fully recover.

I think maybe I just need a couple of days without getting blown up. — Army Spc. Corbin Foster

Not a bad plan, Specialist Foster... not a bad plan at all... (Here is another story about Foster... the guy has a fun sense of humor.)

I'm not sure if there's any way to let the medical corps know how proud we are of them... I just might look into that. (h/t to Mike at Presto Agitato)

I thought that all of those evil tax cuts meant that beloved Uncle Sam didn't have enough money to give all kinds of bribes benefits to the nation's less-privleged (to encourage them to vote for the benevolent Democrats help them in their time of need). Then how come last month's tax revenue was the 2nd highest EVER? Could it be that the dimwits in Congress need to spend less? It sure ain't 'cause they need to take in more, that's for sure.

I don't feel like ranting about immigration or the war or anything like that today, so I found a few tidbits in the news that need a little commentary... here we go:

• "Rats are more valuable than people," according to PETA. (I have this strange feeling that telling people that you're against animal testing even if it could save AIDS patients isn't going to endear you to some of your liberal fans... just sayin'... )
  
• The Dems are demanding that the deadline for seasoned citizens to enroll for the Rx plan be extended. (Six months isn't long enough? Maybe most of those 7 million who haven't enrolled have a better plan with their private insurance...)
  
• President Bush's detailed itinerary was found... in the trash... hours before his visit... (the Secret Service is trying to downplay this... so is the White House... this is just plain scary... if that had gotten into the wrong hands... seriously not good...)
  
• The Rolling Stones are saying that Keith Richards did not suffer any brain damage due to his recent fall and subsequent surgery. (No offense intended, but... with all of the self-medication he's down with who-knows how many different chemicals... how can you tell?)
  
• Several species of flies in Hawaii are given Federal protection. (Flies? They're protecting flies? uh... um... sorry- I'm still grabbing the swatter if one gets in the house.)
  
• The Big Boom in Vegas has been postponed because Native American tribes "downwind" are worried that the explosion will kick up radioactive dust. (That, and some folks are whining because it's just "a surrogate for a low-yield nuclear "bunker-buster" bomb"... and that's bad... why?)

Like I said... a few items... not much there today... maybe more later...

US military folks in Iraq found what could only be called "out-takes" from one of the latest al-Zarqawi video... a video which is... well... quite mockable.

But as the previously unseen video was shown, Lynch mocked al-Zarqawi, suggesting his weapon jammed and he was unable to fix it.

“It’s supposed to be automatic fire, he’s shooting single shots. Something is wrong with his machine gun, he looks down, can’t figure out, calls his friend to come unblock the stoppage and get the weapon firing again,” Lynch said.

“This piece you all see as he walks away, he’s wearing his black uniform and his New Balance tennis shoes as he moves to this white pickup. And, his close associates around him ... do things like grab the hot barrel of the machine gun and burn themselves,” the military spokesman added.

Geez... I'm pretty sure that T1 and T2 know better than that... alQ is in a world of hurt, people... and I couldn't be happier.

I've been trying to figure out how to write this without sounding like a goofy mom or a radical gun-toting mom... umm... since I'm both... here goes.

Many of you have heard tales of the blogmeet in Austin last weekend. Most of the stories are true... But I feel the need to talk about what my kids did last weekend- Saturday, to be specific.

It all started WAY too early Saturday morning when I dropped the boys off at school at 7:30 (yes, AM) so they could practice a little while longer before their "solo and ensemble band festival", which began at 8:30 (yes, AM). In the end, they each received a "1" (which is a good thing) and a medal for their solo pieces, and a "2" (not as good, but far from bad) for their ensemble. Not a bad start to the day.

Then it was off to meet the gang at Red's. (Background... last year, the boys went with us to the range in Dallas during the inaugural Texas Blogfest, and they requested that they be allowed to take a gun safety class so that they could participate in the festivities this year. Last week, they completed their class- with praise from their instructor.) After firing Mr. Friendly for the first time, they moved on to a couple of Lord Spatula's .22s. (They preferred the semi-auto, in case anyone was wondering). After a while, T2 asked if it would be ok if they tried "something else." I agreed, reminding him that it was up to the owner whether or not they could fire the weapons. Both of the boys sampled several of the handguns in the range (T1 kept going back to Spats '.22... which is understandable...) Then T2 fell in love... with The Emperor's Kimber. Well... I'll let Misha tell that part of the story:

The Kimber, meanwhile, was a great hit, getting a lot of exercise. Particularly from one of the Lady Beth's heirs (we forget which one since they'’re twins and therefore somewhat hard to tell apart) who just couldn't get enough of it. Good. That makes us very, very happy. Watching him shoot it made us even happier still. A 12-year-old fresh back from his gun safety class with no experience shooting handguns whatsoever firing a full-size .45 like it was going out of style and hitting the snot out of the target every. Damn. Time. We kid you not. The youngster is a natural. Not to mention that we like the way he thinks. After having fired the obligatory rounds at center mass just to show that he could, he took a liking to head shots. He didn'’t miss the head of the silhouette. Not once. And it was a small silhouette.

As we said to the Lady Beth: This young man needs, needs to get a 1911.

So, between him and his brother, we had the distinct pleasure of seeing two fine young men joining the ranks of shooters in the Empire, both of them making a damn good showing of it.

If that doesn't call for a Happy Dance, we don't know what does. Congrats, Milady Beth, you taught them well, and they are obviously good students.

Thanks to the gang for having patience with them at the range. It meant a lot to them. I was impressed (and made sure the boys knew it) with the boys' politeness and attention to detail while they were in the range. They did me proud. And that wasn't the first (or last) time that day.

When we left the range, the boys called several people to tell them about all of the fun they had. It was fun to listen to. Really.

After a quick trip to HEB for munchies, we headed off to the park to wait for the gang to arrive. That's when the boys'... um... fun began. A while back, I asked them if they would be willing to kid-sit for the Imperial Heirs and Zane (of Who Tends The Fires fame), and they agreed (once they were promised compensation- they're not stupid). Their sitting duties began at the park, and they did an awesome job chasing 2 4-year-olds and a 3 1/2 year-old around for a few hours. Then we went back to the hotel, and we set up the X-box in one of the rooms (poor DeathKnyte) so that the kids could watch videos while snacking on popcorn and jumping on the beds. There needed to be adult intervention a time or two (which was not the boys' fault- they just didn't know how to deal with a few things), but, for the most part, the adults were free to relax and enjoy themselves thanks to T1 and T2's hard work.

When it was finally time to go home for the evening, I loaded my shell-shocked youngins into the van, pretty sure they'd be out cold within 10 seconds of hitting the pillow. I think I was right.

A couple of weeks ago, I called the boys (while I was in IL for my aunt's funeral) to thank them for being such good kids (long story). They really are. Like I said... the boys did good last Saturday. I told them that, but I thought I'd let a few more people know that.

... unless you're in Laos and you're looking for frogs.

Scientists working in conjunction with the New York-based World Conservation Society, or WCS, say they have discovered eight new species of frogs in the past two years.

Hmmm... then you add all of the new stuff they've found in the sea... looks like humanity will have to try a little harder to wipe out the planet, eh?

Well, that's what this sounds like:

Christian ministers will tackle Muslim imams in a pre-World Cup friendly officiated by a Jewish referee as part of an initiative aimed at increasing understanding among religions, it was announced Wednesday.

The eight-a-side match presided over by three Jewish officials was organised by the German Protestant Church and will take place Saturday, just over a month before the big World Cup kick-off on June 9.

The friendly match is part of a wider initiative associated with a conference organised by the British Embassy in Berlin on integration, racism and football and will be the first such match in Germany, according to the Church of Berlin and Brandenbourg.

I don't know... if the Jewish officials appear to be biased in any way, won't that lead to a fatwa and other jihadiness? Especially if the Imams are friends of Mad Mahmoud... just sayin'...